last month i went to the free clinic here in my city - between making my first call, to speaking with a social worker, to actually going to my appointment was maybe 5-6 weeks. it was a LONG visit and i had to get up SOOO early. i live about an hour away and my sleep schedule is nocturnal, so going to an 8:30am slot was killing me lol. BUT - i felt like i had a pretty thorough checkup, and was super relieved afterwards, even if i was also super grumpy and hangry (i didn't leave till 1-2pm lol).

the biggest thing i was trying to get out of the appointment was some mental health-care.. and while their resources for therapy are limited i DID get prescribed anti depressants :) :) :) i cried from relief. i was also given a prescription for my panic attacks too, but thankfully i haven't had the need for them so far. the meds were FREE!!! too, though I'm not sure if they're going to continue to be free or if i have to pay.. :') i'm going to find out i guess, the pharmacy is supposed to call me about delivering my refills so... @ _ @

last year when i left my job, i was hoping to use the time off to take care of myself, and well...a year later i feel like i hadn't improved *that* much. sure, i stopped having so many passive suicidal thoughts, but i felt like i lost any motivation to take care of myself. turns out leaving a toxic job doesn't cure long-term depression and anxiety, ha.. i felt so much guilt about not being "productive" enough and was constantly worried about if i was going to get kicked out of my home (my mom gets pretty passive aggressive about money and it's not like i *haven't* been kicked out of the house before by my dad, back when i was 14.. @ _ @ tho my relationship with my dad is a lot better now)

i had also been dealing with imposter syndrome when it comes to my mental health.. like, i'm not *really* depressed because i still have energy for creative projects, or my anxiety isn't *that* crippling, or i'm just LAZY and that's why im constantly putting off things that overwhelm me. and do I *really* need medicine? but.. normal healthy people also don't constantly feel like i do haha. it has really been affecting my life negatively, my relationships, my self worth, for a long time. i've been putting off a lot of crucial, necessary stuff because of my awful anxiety. i didn't do my taxes because my job never sent my w2, and instead of contacting them or doing taxes anyways, i just... was too anxious and overwhelmed about it. i almost missed renewing my learners permit, still haven't renewed my passport, put off seeing a doctor for soooo long, still am struggling to call the local dental school here to be treated.. ugh. it's awful to freeze up over normal interactions, even with my own partner, even when im *literally* by myself i get overwhelmed with anxiety. i have been fighting with my partner, like a lot, this year, and i dont really want to get into it but i don't think my mental state has been helping at all. i'm literally stuck in a negative thought loop and it's living hell. i KNOW what's wrong, but i still do wrong things. i know i'm using drugs to cope, and it's not good for me, but i still do it. i have an addictive personality and it's so hard, i'm so embarrassed by it that i never even told my last therapist i was still doing 'em.. :/ (tldr; i was using betterhelp and both of my therapists left the app, i stopped using betterhelp and am too hesitant to reach out to this therapy collective that offers a sliding scale..ugh)

anyways, that is all to say i'm really hoping this year i can take better care of myself. i'm constantly burnt out and i'm trying to slow things down. turns out "relaxing" but constantly worried about doing stuff isn't really relaxing, so no wonder i am still always tired haha. my first week on lexapro i was eepy as FUCK. too tired all day to really do anything, besides rolling around in bed. second week i noticed i felt less tired, but it's hard to tell since i was always tired anyways lolol. but i felt like i wasn't as emotional/anxious, even though i was still having anxiety (i have been awful with emails, and they're constantly on my mind). third week in, i feel like im having an emotional rollercoaster haha. some days i feel like im back in that depressed phase, but i am reminded that it's normal to experience, and it's going to take some time for the medicine to do it's job anyways, so i haven't been stressed about whether or not lexapro is working. i felt awful before anyways, so i felt like i had nothing to loose at this point.

uhmm i dont know how to end this entry besides i love you all, take it easy on yourself, i'm always an open ear, and goodnight. <3

trying to use my blog more but my mind is usually ??? ^_^'' anyways after some time of being burnt out and not working on my game i think i wanna take it slow this time and finally learn my coding fundamentals.. in the past ive just learned game programming by looking up how to do x or y, but especially since moving to godot i find myself very lost :')

yesterday i started watching this video by gdquest and while i won't go over everything in detail, here's just some notes so i can remind myself of them:

syntax
gdscript is a dynamic language (whatever that means) so unlike c#, variables can be declared a few ways and godot will usually know what i'm talking about. ex:

var health = 100 # health is an integer, but can also be a float, string, or bool
var health : int = 100 # health can ONLY be an integer
var health : = 100 # health can still only be an integer, but we're using a shorthand and godot figures out the type for us

so basically these are the same:
var variable_name : type = value
var variable_name : = value

variables
there are a few variable types, which are..

int whole numbers (0,1,2)
float numbers with decimals (0.0, 0.1, 0.2, 0.3)
string words ("Hello!")
bool true or false

constants
constants are like variables, but their values are only declared once and do not change. they're written with this convention:

const VARIABLES_ARE_UPPERCASE_LIKE_THIS = 100

operators
these are ways to compare two values, and there's a hierarchy in which the calculations take place (like PEMDAS). they are:

Operator	Description
-x	Negation
* / %	Times / Divide / Remainder
+	Add
-	Subtract

also in this category are boolean operators, used in if statements. they are:

Operators	Description
< == > != >= <=	Comparison operators
! not	NOT
&& and	AND
|| or	OR

ex:
health > 2 # if health is more than 2
health < 2 # if health is less than 2
health >= 2 # if health is more or equal to 2
health <= 2 # if health is less or equal to 2
health == 2 # if health is equal to 2
health != 2 # if health is NOT equal to 2
health = 2 # health equals 2 (this assigns a value instead of comparing it)
health == 2 && speed > 0 # if health is equal to 2 and speed is more than 0
health < 0 | | speed > 0 # if health is less than 0 OR speed is more than 0

conditions
conditions are things like if, elif, and else statements that are used in a function and tell the engine "if a condition is met, do this, otherwise, do this"

if health > 0
print ("you are alive")
else
print ("you are dead")

next section is a WIP!!
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